One glance at DC China Meat Product’s Original Flavored Beef Jerky and I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. You cannot possibly look at a food with the texture of mammoth fur and have any doubts that is going to taste like anything less than dead hamster rotting beneath a radiator.

At $1.49, this jerky looks, tastes, and smells like regurgitated cat food and has the price to match. The bull-horned “Original Flavor” stood out to me. If it tastes original, why is that a flavor? And more importantly, not to go all PETA, but we killed a cow for this?

My second mistake, after participating in this disgusting waste of animal spirit by purchasing the jerky, was opening the bag. The jerky left a trail of soy-spiced rot cut with the distilled essence of anchovies. A coat of chemicals of undetermined carcinogenic potency clung to the meat like fungal dung and dusted the counter like apocalyptic snow when I touched the stuff.

My final, inevitable mistake was to put it in my mouth. Even in the smallest possible dose, the jerky poisoned every fiber of tongue it touched, molting my mouth with the thick, rich residue of unhygienic slaughterhouse. Even after repeated sink spits, I felt like I had thoroughly violated a pact I’d made with my mouth that had seen me through everything from dried African termites to street vendor octopus. The residual horrors of that experience led to a dental dress-down that felt a little like a fully-clothed shower cry.

Reassurance from the USDA

Final verdict: Original Flavor Beef Jerky makes Slim Jim look like hippie meat.

For fans of: vomit.

See: Past adventures in Chinatown