This article is a follow-up to my first post on attending the 2011 California Cougar Convention.

1. An Dubious/Absent DJ

After crowning Ms. 2011, the mustached character behind this whole charade gave a shout out to DJ John.Our MC asks us to give a warm welcome to DJ John, and the guy sitting behind the set smiles and waves. “Wait a minute,” Mustache says. “That’s not the DJ–that’s just a roadie!”

2. Request to Clear Chairs Off of the Dance Floor

At Buford Middle School, our dances smelled like canned corn, chocolate milk, and mop. That’s because they were in the cafeteria–you could see those obnoxious toad-stool tables stacked in the corner, reminding you that even after the discovery of grinding, monotony awaits.

Anyway, when Mustache was done thanking the roadie for DJing, he actually requested that we pick up the folding chairs.Our work was made easier by the fact that half of the chairs were empty. Et voila: dancefloor. It was now 9 PM.

3. Presence of Teachers

The fact that we had to pick up our own chairs told me that the Cougar Convention was even more poorly staffed than the 8th grade dances. Remember that coincidental overlap between the adults you found most irritating and the chaperons at school dances? The ones who made vaguely off color jokes about seeing “four on the floor” on Monday in French class?

Thankfully I didn’t run into someone like that, but there was at least one ELEMENTARY school teacher in attendance, likely fulfilling the fantasies of the gaggle of men who’d found the most poorly lit corner of the room, set down their chair, and never moved since.

4. The Man Wall

Everyone knows dancing is for girls except if it either A) a Ja Rule song is playing or B) alcohol is plentiful. Since no one I knew drank in middle school, that left one song of dancing and several hours against the wall, wondering if the scent of corndog could come out of J.C. Penny dress shirts.

At Cougar Con, the men were better dressed & smelling, but equally unwilling to jump on to an empty dancefloor at 9:15 PM. Since the women in attendance were outnumbered 2::1 and the men were drinking, the event acquired an extra level of creepy depression.

At it’s max, the dance floor had a dozen people. More men kept arriving even by the time we left at around 10:30, which did bode well for DJ John and his roadie’s ability to sustain anything close to the energy level that caused our middle school principal to grab the microphone and yell, “no more jumping!” when Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” caused a stir.

5: The Night is Exhaustively Documented:

The Man Wall

Things starting heating up

A friend who I had to crop poses with one of the cougars