Like it or not, our generation has embraced online dating in all of it’s squeezed cleavage and chiseled chest glory. OkCupid has hipsterized a form of online encounter that what was once the domain of rich hermits and dimpled midwesterners. Suddenly otherwise fully-functional human beings are once again taking pictures of themselves in the mirror and developing online handles like SFPartiiGurl, as if this were 2003 and they were a 12 year old on MySpace.

Never one to be left out, I decided to get in on the action. After dabbling on OkCupid and receiving a message from a girl that read, and I quote, “I cant help but share with you that you look freakishly like my brother! hahahaha… kissing would feel so wrong!” I decided to search for greener pastures, where people did not make faux-incestuous advances. That’s right, I’m talking about craigslist.

The concept was simple: post an invitation for a dinner date, and see who responds. Here is the ad that I originally posted:

In spite of the last minute notice and obviousness that I was a cheap date, ravenous women couldn’t stay away!

Within ten minutes I had my first couple couple of responses. I was a little taken aback by the first reply, from a girl calling herself Britney, who said simply, “I feel I’m in a sexual revival and want to embrace fresh erotic adventures.”

Wow, I thought. A little forward with her post-date outcomes, but this is San Francisco, after all, where food and sex are taken as the holy grail of the good life. Five minutes later, someone named Sara sent me a line: “Saw you on Craigslist. I am rather laid back, quite easy going, very down to earth …oh yea im 420 friendly also. Simply send me a msg if you think you might be ready to meet.” She seemed like a good candidate, but I wanted to see who else was out there.

The emails didn’t stop coming. Linda Ritchie, who apparently registered a hotmail account under the name of Fred, told me that he/she was “hwp”, which turns out to mean “height-weight proportional”–unusually academic, as far as online self-descriptions go. Linda-Fred also told me that her/his job was a “major yawnfest” and that she/he “used to believe in God, but doesn’t anymore.” So that was Linda-Fred.

Starting around then the emails started getting really lewd with all sorts of invitations of the truck stop variety. Standouts include:

  • Morgan the Smiler: “I am feeling like we should put lots of kink in our sex life 😉
    I hope now I have piqued your interest as well, :P”
  • Heather the Animal: “What can I say I like a wild-man! I know what I like and what gets me hot, sweaty and turned into an animal!”
  • Jonathan the Illiterate: “Athat needs to get laid bya wo.” v

Since Sara and Linda-Fred were the only responses that stood a chance of being actual humans interested in getting dinner, I emailed them…only never to hear back until the next day, when Sara turned on her Hyde with lines like “I wish to get huge amounts great foreplay”. So instead of that I went and watched Tron Legacy, which was awesome.

Lesson: it may be a sad, lonely world out there, but there are lots of horny girls waiting at your beck and call to give either you or your computer a virus.